Understanding Adolescent Behaviour
The central task during adolescence is acquiring more independence. At around age twelve or thirteen, a child begins to grasp an understanding of the larger world outside his family. He becomes sensitive to things that are going on elsewhere in the world and has an inner aching from the realization that one day he will stand in that world as an adult. This notion is both exciting and scary. It is exciting because of the anticipation of gaining adult privileges and scary because of self-doubts about handling adult responsibilities. This growing awareness along with the onset of puberty moves him to try to be more adult like. In order to achieve this he must feel confident and worthwhile about himself apart from his family. And in order to achieve this confidence he will have to gain the acceptance of others, especially those of his own age. It is not enough anymore that his family accepts and supports him. He is now desperate for acceptance by his peers. He will be working vigorously toward one of the major goals of adolescence—learning to be independent.
Early adolescents, those ages twelve to fourteen, characteristically argue more with their parents than older adolescents do. An early adolescent is trying to establish himself as an independent person in the family and can be quite pushy about doing it. Once his family begins to acknowledge this change, the number of arguments between him and his parents usually lessens.
For parents, this push for independence is often viewed as teen rebellion, which may cause parents to feel rejected and hurt by the behavior of their once-obedient child. The key to coping with our teenager is to understand that his behavior is driven by his sense that he can never grow into adulthood without assuming more control over his life. By challenging family rules and values he is seeking to establish his independence. We should not wrongly assume that every defiant gesture of his is proof that we somehow failed. Instead, we should recognize that the behavior is part of normal development and we should not view it as a personal attack. Without this understanding we might easily overreact and create resentment in our adolescent. Moreover, we should not view his struggle for independence as an ending in our relationship. Rather, he is learning to have a relationship with us as a more autonomous and self-governing person. The mutual love and caring between us will remain intact even though he will be making more of his own decisions and becoming less emotionally dependent on us. His relationship with us is changing from a dependent relationship to an adult relationship. This new way of relating is based upon the fact that adolescence is a time of transition from parent control to self-control.
Teenagers do not like being treated like children. Treating a teenager like a child makes him feel inferior, and is especially embarrassing if treated that way in front of his peers. As parents, we can help our teenager be his best by practicing a balanced approach—treating him neither like a child nor like an adult. If we do too much for him we are treating him like a child. If we are still waking him up in the morning, folding and putting away his laundry, packing his lunches, and picking up after him, we are treating him like a child. Doing these things was fine up to age eleven or twelve, but continuing to do these during his adolescence will hinder him from developing competence and responsibility. On the other hand, if we assume that he should be doing everything on his own we are treating him like an adult. Treating him this way is abandonment. There are still things that are difficult for him to do alone, and he will still need the help and support that only his parents can provide.
Adolescence is stressful for both parents and teenager because both love each other. For parents it is painful seeing the child who once would readily hold his parent’s hand now pulling away. Watching our child grow into an adult can make us feel sad and letting go is not easy. I think one reason for adolescent obnoxiousness is to help make separation between parent and teen easier—at least for the parent. The difficulty a teenager faces in becoming an adult is in trying to establish his independence while maintaining a loving relationship with his parents. His struggle seems risky because he fears losing his parent’s love as he pushes for more freedom than his parents are willing to give.
Teenagers typically show more anger towards parents and other family members during this stage. A lot of that anger stems from the frustration of being caught in between childhood and adulthood, where they can enjoy neither the advantages of being a child nor the privileges of an adult. It is aggravating for a teenager to face the dilemma of being too old and not old enough. Life can get pretty boring and seem unfair. Consequently, family members often bear the brunt of a teenager’s frustration for having an in-between status.
Adolescence is also a time of establishing a personal identity. The struggle for a teenager to define who he is, what his lifelong goals are, and how he will achieve those goals, is a critical developmental task, which if not successfully accomplished will cause him to be less self-sufficient in adulthood. As a child his identity was an extension of his parents. Now, having become a teenager he begins to recognize his uniqueness and separates from his parents. He begins figuring out who he is other than being a son and is reshaping himself as he works to answer the question, “What does it mean to be me?” The answer to this question encompasses every aspect of life—career, sexuality, social relations, values, and spirituality. He will be trying on and taking off different ideas and opinions in an attempt to define himself. One day he is interested in becoming a rock musician and the next day he wants to study architecture. His parents, other significant adults, and his friends will all have an influence on the formation of his identity. During his years as an adolescent he will be incorporating the opinions of these people into his own likes and dislikes. By the time he reaches nineteen years of age, his identity will solidify. As parents we can influence our teenager’s formation of a strong positive personal identity by helping him gain a sense of mastery—confidence of being able to do something well. We should not become frustrated if he frequently changes his mind about an interest. However, we should encourage him to stick with a project or activity long enough to establish some skills. Encouraging his involvement in meaningful activities and groups both within school and after-school will help him gain the mastery he needs to establish a positive personal identity.
Of paramount importance to an adolescent is peer acceptance. Peer acceptance does not mean striving to be popular or part of an “in-crowd.” Although these strivings are issues, they are not the same as the developmental need to be accepted by peers in the general sense. Peer acceptance for a teenager has more to do with knowing that he is capable of loving and being loved by new people in addition to his family. The need for peer acceptance is further accelerated by the emergence of sexual maturity during the teen years. Sexual attractiveness and interest in dating take on a major importance that make acceptance by peers even more demanding. The stress to fit in can be overwhelming at times.
The lure of spending more time with friends is compelling during adolescence. Having friends helps an adolescent in a number of important ways. First, it helps him to experience more independence. Friendships provide the setting necessary for him to practice social skills and discover himself apart from his parents. Second, friends contribute to helping him shape his personal identity. Friends do not mold him, rather they are a forum in which he can try out his emerging values and ideas with less fear
of being criticized or ridiculed. Third, as he becomes less emotionally dependent on his parents, he will rely on the emotional support of friends. Since they are going through the same things he is they can understand his feelings and relate to his needs. For this reason he feels comfortable turning to his friends for support and advice. It is important to point out that adolescents become “less emotionally dependent” not totally removed from their parents’ emotional support. Friends, however, can become the only source of support when an adolescent has been rejected by his parents. Lastly, friendships provide a setting for learning about intimacy. Unfortunately many teens equate intimacy with sex and need parental guidance in understanding the difference. Intimacy is a close relationship based upon mutual caring and trust between people. It is through having contact with his peers that a teenager socializes and develops skills for intimacy.
In addition to having friends, teens are also attracted to larger circles of peers known as peer groups or “crowds.” Different peer groups can co-exist in a single school within the same age level. Each group will create its own values and rules of conduct, which dictate choices in clothing styles, recreational activities, hairstyles, music, and attitudes toward school, parents and other groups. Each group exerts pressure on individuals to conform to the group norms. Among other things, peer groups provide a means of finding friends and social activities. Teens gravitate towards friendships and peer groups based upon what they have in common. Athletic teens will connect with one another, musical teens with one another, and so forth. It is not uncommon that some teens will fit in to more than one group at a time.
Adolescents who fail to make adequate academic achievement or fail to develop mastery of a socially respected skill will find each other and become their own group. Typically these teens exhibit discipline problems and defiance toward authority, and have an increased risk of becoming substance abusers. For them a fleeting sense of mastery is being achieved through non-conformity and rebellion. Not having developed skill mastery they are carving out negative personal identities. These teens have gotten to this place because one or more of their basic psychological needs have not been adequately met and because their emotional hearts have not been kept fed.
Teens judge one another by their friends. Who a teenager hangs out with is an expression of his identity. His choice of friends is as much an emblem of who he is becoming, as are other choices he is making. His emerging identity can be seen in many facets of his teenage life. He is defining himself through his friends, the music he listens to, the style of clothing he wears, what he does with his free time, as well as how he handles school and achievement.
As parents we want our teenager to make good choices. Some of his choices may worry us. How we react to such concerns will stimulate either cooperation or rebellion. When we say to him, “ You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd,” or “I don’t like the music you listen to,” we are criticizing him, we are tearing down his personal identity. If we follow this approach we will only drive him further away from us. How we intervene is crucial. An effective way is to express concern without being judgmental and to always leave the door open for friendly communication. Sometimes we may need to work out an agreeable compromise with him. But we should only express concern when we recognize that his choices are harmful or lacking in responsibility. A good rule to follow is to ask the question: “Who is it harming?” Is having a different hairstyle harming someone? It may be a source of embarrassment, but is it really harmful? Keep in mind that a normal teenager needs to rebel in at least some areas of life in order to separate and develop independence. For this reason it is better to avoid criticizing his choices in clothing, hairstyle, music, friends, room decor, and use of free time. Fighting over these choices will create bitterness and rebellion. Allowing him to make these choices will prevent him from testing us in other more serious areas, such as experimentation with drugs or stealing. Typically, a teenager will not make poor choices in many of these areas when we have maintained a positive healthy parent-child relationship built on meeting his basic psychological needs, giving him due attention, acknowledgment, and respect. Overall, the work we put into nurturing him to be his best will be evident in his choices. If we hear ourselves making statements like, “You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd,” or “I don’t like the music you listen to,” these should be warning signs that our adolescent needs emotional nurturance.
Because peer acceptance is all-important, teens want to appear to be normal at all costs. An adolescent’s personal values as well as those of his peer group define what is normal for him. Some of those values will overlap with the values of his parents and some will not. Therefore, as parents we may have a hard time understanding some of the choices our teenager makes. Many aspects of his behavior will ascribe to the values of his peer group and not ours. Dressing, talking, and acting different from adults help him to feel independent from his parents and at the same time gain approval with his peers. We need to keep in mind that he is not rejecting us. He is trying to fit in and be accepted by his peers. This is all part of the process of growing up. Our teenager is experimenting with new values and perspectives, some of which he will accept and integrate with the ones we have given him. He is formulating a system of beliefs into a personal ideology. This involves his assessing our values whether they conflict with those of his peers and other segments of society. As parents we can help our teenager through this stage by allowing him to make more of his own decisions. This will at times involve allowing him to learn from his mistakes. Even though he is making more of his own decisions, he will need us to be there to provide him with guidance and support.
Typically, even though most teens pay attention to the opinions of their friends, they tend to conform to the ideas of their parents when it comes to decisions about the big values in life—religion, education, and long-term plans. On the other hand, their peers exert influence concerning the smaller values—opinions about fashion, music, alcohol, drugs, and sex—things they assume parents have little understanding about. Most parents are concerned whether their children will hold on to the values they were taught growing up. And they should be concerned because values, which are those things an individual believes in, cherishes, and works for, will influence the choices their teenager makes. Teenagers hold on to most of the values their parents have taught them when they have been raised by parents who have used a balanced parenting style and have consistently satisfied their children’s basic psychological needs. Such an approach to parenting creates real respect in children—respect that is not driven out of fear but out of the recognition that something of value resides in their parents.
Moodiness is another characteristic of adolescence. In the course of a typical week there will be times when an adolescent is cheerful, relaxed, and willing to be engaged by his parent. At other times a mere word can bring an irritable response. These changes in mood seem to happen for no apparent reason. Some would assume that raging hormones are the culprits, however it is much more likely that teenage moodiness is due to stress. A common source of stress for a teenager is worrying about being normal. “I’m not growing as fast as my friends” “I’m worried that my nose is too big.” “I don’t have the same interests as other kids. Am I normal?” And there are plenty other sources of stress for him—taking on more control of his life brings not only new responsibilities, but also added stress, figuring out who he is and what his goals are, increased academic demands in school, peer problems, boyfriend-girlfriend issues, negotiating with parents for more freedom, and the frustration of being too young and too old. Add to these any family problems, such as divorce or financial difficulties, and hislevel of stress worsens. Because he has come to the age where he is able to understand more of what is going on in life he is now susceptible to more stress. Since so much about coping with stress is new to him, he has a heightened sensitivity to it, which will surely bring about some moodiness. Our teenager can cope best with his moods when we take time to listen in an empathic and accepting way, and by giving him respect and support.
Very often a teenager’s moodiness can become a source of argument between him and his parents. “Don’t talk to me that way.” “I don’t like your attitude.” Arguing with a teenager when he is stressed out will only give him more stress and generally creates bitterness. It is much better to recognize the moment as an episode of teenage moodiness and not respond to it then. This is not the time to pick an argument with our teenager. Nor should we take his irritable remarks personally. We should just write it off as a bad mood, which in a short time will go away. If we attack his irritableness he will continue with it longer. It is far better to be patient and wait until his mood changes before processing concerns with him.
Part of growing up is developing a need for privacy. The physical changes a teenager undergoes due to puberty causes him to become self-conscious about his body, which leads to a need for privacy. Additionally, privacy gives him a sense of control and independence. By respecting his need for privacy we help him to feel trusted and competent. Failure to respect this need will result in a breakdown in trust and our parent-teen relationship will suffer. One way to respect our teenager is to give him the privacy he needs. This means we do not open his mail, eavesdrop on his phone conversations, or search his room, unless we have good reason to believe there is a serious problem, like drug abuse. Knowing that we respect his privacy helps him not to feel threatened about his independence. Since he does not feel threatened he will be more inclined to share more of himself with us.
As parents we must keep in mind that our teenager needs us. He is not independent—he is learning to be independent. He is not an adult—he is learning to be an adult. He still very much needs parents and parenting. Parenting a teenager is a different role than parenting a child; nonetheless it is still parenting.
While it is normal for a teenager to want more freedom he would be disturbed if we gave him no limits at all. Unbridled freedom without experience is frightening. He may claim to want no limits, but deep down he really does. Limits make him feel reassured, are a sign of our ongoing parental protection, and proof that we really care. As parents we should establish with our teenager what we expect and do not expect from his behavior. These expectations should be made clear as well as an understanding of the consequences for not keeping them. Our expectations must be reasonable and consistent. As our teenager matures more freedom should be granted.
A healthy parent-teen relationship is built on parent availability. Even though our adolescent is pushing for independence he still wants us to be available for him. We should take care not to become so busy with our own lives that we cannot attend to him. There will be times when he will need to talk through concerns and focus on making hard decisions. At times like these he will need us to be a consultant for helping him develop and exercise his decision-making skills. He will also need us to listen to him in a caring and patient way. We can be an impartial sounding board for helping him think through his concerns. He very much will want to share his thoughts and feelings with us, but he will not want us to listen in a meddling kind of a way, which would deny him the privacy he needs to think on his own.
While we want to take care to respect our teenager’s need for privacy we also want to take advantage of any opportunities that arises to be part of his world—no matter how silly or small. Sit down and listen to his music, look at a magazine together, watch a favorite television show with him, or whatever. Times spent together like these are great ways of keeping our parent-teen relationship strong and healthy. During these quality times let us remember not to criticize, but instead just to spend the time together enjoying each other.
Even when he is a senior in high school, our teenager will still need us to attend his special activities in school and extra-curricular activities. He may not want us to be the loudest cheerleader on the bench anymore—that would be embarrassing, but he still appreciates us being there. Seeing our face in the crowd communicates our love and interest in him.
Understanding the many facets of what adolescence is all about will help us to nurture our teenager to grow up into a responsible functioning adult who prospers in all aspects of living.
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